"After so many mistakes, what direction shall I go?"
Yet another day have I wrestled with this question. Past mistakes haunting me, I am determined to not make any more. I chose to fast today, to ensure my mind and body was most receptive to an answer.
For the past three days I have read, or actually practiced "speed reading" various books on meditation, and yogis, in my ferocious determination to to find my answer.
The pain of having built a company up, creating 30 new products, increasing revenue by 500% in 18 months, and then having a high priced law firm hired to find ways to show my equity agreement was invalid, still haunts me. Betrayal, deception, false rumors all still stinging. Stubbornly I admit great lessons were learned from the ordeal.
If I came to experience betrayal, who better to play the part than the one I trusted for over 48 years. My spirit delights at having had the opportunity to practice exercises in forgiveness, unconditional love, and mindfulness... some with others, lots toward myself.
Yet my logical mind is quick to instigate - you can't pay bills with forgiveness and unconditional love won't put a kid through college. Oh the mistakes I've made... so many. How can I know the right thing to do now? How can I ensure I don't pick the wrong path again?
What now? For days my prayers bounce off the ceiling. Meditations quickly turning to long naps. Am I really fasting or just can't eat due to worry and stress? The dog pees on the carpet... might as well have been on my head.
I stare into nothing, so tired of thinking... of worrying. My mind finally goes quiet. Exhausted. Empty.
A humming bird hovers outside my window. I watch it melodically dance in the air, greeting me with great fondness and interest. As if it came to deliver a message, suddenly the answers come into my mind... The Universe guides everything and everyone, including me. Every path I have taken has provided me wonderful lessons. Everything I do works out exactly as is best for my learning and growth. I need not fear any choice, as it will provide me the experiences and learning for which I am ready... for which I have come here.
I would be wise to follow my feelings, my intuition... to follow the call of my heart. If I do, I may more thoroughly enjoy my path and have more fun, but if I don't, it will not matter, as the perfect lessons will take place while The Universe guides my journey perfectly, lovingly, ideally.
I can stop hesitating and move full speed ahead, knowing that it all works out for the best for I must be mindful that the miracles are found in the journey, not in the destination.
Besides, I learn far more from my failures and mistakes, than I do from my successes, so really, what is there to fear? Every apparent mistake I have made has held a gift for me, sometimes requiring deep searching to find it... but all wonderful lessons. And I have learned that mistakes most often happen when I am not listening to my inner voice of knowing. As I look back on past mistakes I must confess that I almost always knew to take a different course, yet allowed my logical mind to override my higher self. Now I will listen.
The successes I have enjoyed have been wonderful confirmation of being in alignment with truth... congruency with my heart and my mind. I will recall these and use them as models for the future.
What direction shall I take my life? I shall dream the biggest dreams I can think of. I shall look to make the biggest impact I can. I shall do all in my power to help others see the brilliance hidden inside themselves. And I will begin today knowing I am guided perfectly, lovingly, and ideally... for me.